Rant at the Screen: Rapid Fire

Sometimes, Martin goes to the movies. SOMETIMES... he doesn't update his website. But then he catches up! I give you...

Rant at the Screen: RAPID FIRE!

The Descent

Six friends and relatives go on a spelunking trip in the Appalachians, and get a bit more than they bargained for. Freaking awesome. Once the scary starts, it never stops. Claustrophobic, close, and meaty. Manages to take nothing-much monsters and make them seem worthwhile. Great direction, and plenty-decent acting. I give it five out of five cave-dwelling monsters.

Clerks 2

Two thirty-something guys continue a terrible life of retail and pop culture references while trying to find the solution to their humdrum existence. Funny stuff here for Kevin Smith fans (but who else would come?). It stands easily the equal of Clerks, but now possesses Smith's well-tuned passion for verbal sparring and sight gags. For the Smith-lover, it's four out of five grunts (I heard it- a great, a deep inhalation of oxygen!).

Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby

Will Farrell is a race car driver. But the hits do not stop there. The longer the movie goes, the more ridiculous things become. Which is, naturally, the point. Things are pretty straightlaced parody through Ricky's crash, at which point it turns into a really strong character driven (if insane characters) story. Everybody gets a lot of incredible lines, and it works out just fine, even through the structured ending. Fans of Anchorman may be put off by what appears to be a story. Nonfans still won't like Will Farrell, no matter what he does. I give it four out of five friends stealing your wife and house.

SNAKES ON A PLANE

In an attempt to kill a witness, motherf#$%ing snakes are released on a motherf@#$ing plane over the ocean on a flight from Hawaii to Los Angeles. Only Samuel L Jackson can battle them. This movie was reshot with an R rating in mind, and earns the rating multiple times. The big draw of the movie is seeing a bunch of charicatures get attacked by snakes, and the film never fails to deliver in this regard. Staggered with purposeful hilarity in places, this is one of the better popcorn movies of the summer. I give it FIVE out of FIVE Snakes on a Plane!

The Pulse

A mysterious signal is killing people. This movie had no idea how to do what it wanted to do (scare people). It had two or three good ideas, but fell apart faster than the end of a King novel. Nothing truly inspiring or original happens during the entire 80 minute run (as it turns out, the trailer gave away more than every good scene the movie contained). I give it one out of five mysterious stains.

What's next for Rant at the Screen?

Beerfest, Crank, The Wicker Man, School for Scoundrels

Musical Interlude: Frontier Psychiatrist

Frontier Psychiatrist by The Avalanches

Is dexter ill, is dexter ill, is dexter ill
Is dexter ill today, mr kirk, dexter's in school
I'm afraid he's not, miss fishborne
Dexter's truancy problem is way out of hand
The baltimore county school board have decided to expel
Dexter from the entire public school system

Oh mr kirk, I'm as upset as you to learn of dexter's truancy
But surely, expulsion is not the answer!
I'm afraid expulsion is the only answer
It's the opinion of the entire staff that dexter is criminally insane

That boy needs therapy, psychosomatic,
That boy needs therapy, purely psychosomatic
That boy needs therapy
Lie down on the couch! what does that mean?
You're a nut! you're crazy in the coconut!
What does that mean? that boy needs therapy
I'm gonna kill you, that boy needs therapy
Ranagazoo, let's have it to you
On the count of three
That, that, that, that, that boy.. boy needs therapy
He was white as a sheet
And he also made false teeth

Avalanches is above, business continues below
Did I ever tell you the story about
Cowboys! bit , bit bitches and the indians and, fron, frontier psychiatrist
I... I felt strangely hypnotised
I was in another world, a world of 20.000 girls
And milk! rectangles, to an optometrist, the man with the golden eyeball
And tighten your buttocks, pour juice on your chin
I promise my girlfriend I'd... the violin, violin, violin ...

Frontier psychiatrist
Frontier, frontier, frontier, frontier
Frontier, frontier, frontier, frontier
Frontier, frontier, frontier, frontier

That boy needs therapy, psychosomatic
That boy needs therapy, purely psychosomatic
That boy needs therapy
Lie down on the couch, what does that mean?
You're a nut! you're crazy in the coconut!
What does that mean? that boy needs therapy
I'm gonna kill you, that boy needs therapy
Ranagazoo, let's have a tune
Now when I count three
That, that, that, that, that boy.. boy needs therapy
He was white as a sheet
And he also made false teeth

Frontier Psychiatrist.

Can you think of anything else that talks, other than a person?
Uh ohh... uh oh, a bird? yeah!
Sometimes a parrot talks
Ha ha ha ha ha !!!!
Yes, some birds are funny when they talk
Can you think of anything else?
A record, record, record !

Stupid Epiphanies

What good are they, anyway? You see something, and it grabs your worldview and starts shaking it pretty hard. And before long, things are a good sight stranger than you're used to, only you're what's changed. Things you were doing don't make so much sense anymore. Sometimes, I'm apt to think these different modes pick up into our brains, and we eventually tear ourselves from it and settle someplace else for a while. I figure if something shook us too long, we'd just go crazy.

I've been shaking for a solid three weeks. The normal flow of my life is so off, I have to reevaluate everything I see. Things that never bothered me before are riling my up. Some things that used to bother me are completely intolerable, and the rest just doesn't matter anymore.

It's something like unrequited love. You know the feeling. You find a sort of person that makes sense to you. Have a certain rapport with them. But at a level, the world is sitting and glowering down on you. And why? Well, a good man (by your own accounting) can't make headway with such a woman. Much less not embarrass himself. It's a miserable little circle. Finding someone you very much like, and having to detest yourself every day. Coward sits in and hides from the emotion. Brave one goes off and gets himself fired.

What's worse, I look down the road, and back up it... and I see where this has all happened before. And exactly where it got me. But there's not a thing that can be done differently. For all you can try and change, actually being different is a hard trick.

The nagging feeling I get is that my world is shaking because change is at hand. It happens. Things accelerate around me until I can't stand the sight of it all, and I start acting very much like a diplomatically minded wrecking ball. Knock out the pieces that aren't working. Things calm down again. Thing is, I'm not yet to the point where I know what's wrong or right. I'm just winding up.

I guess the thing I'm really worried about most in the world is me. That may sound egotistical, and it really is. But it's not quite as straightforward as all that. See, I often worry that I'm just going to become an intolerable bastard, fed up with the world, and not enough hope to fill a shot glass.

People always ask what you want to be in life. I always had less trouble figuring out what I didn't want to be. Almost everybody in my life holds some private judgment from me, but it's not actually anything against them. It's a reminder from me of the things I don't want to do myself. To not anger easily. To not bear a hateful sorrow. To not get stuck in something I hate.

And somewhere down deep, I know that envy and resent are very similar. That the things we hate most fervently echo something we hate about ourselves. The people I really can't stand are often similar to me in some horrible way. A me a could've been, but wasn't.

Being a good person... is it really just not acting on bad impulses?

... Anyway. That's what's in my head. Had to put it somewhere.

The Secrets of Comedy: Wild Conjecture

Here's a fun game you folks at home can play. In your every day life, you'll run into an occasion when you'll just need to talk to somebody about nothing in particular. The best way to entertain yourself in any particularly boring conversation is to attempt to drastically render the conversation beyond the bounds of the real. I call this game 'Wild conjecture'. The more extreme you can get it (without violating the needs of decency), the better.

Let me give you an example of Wild Conjecture. Let's say there's an unpleasant smell at my job. Let's say, we know it comes from the basement, but has been thusfar unidentified. I resolve that in all subjects discussing the bad smell, I'm going pin the stink on something specific. The conversation with my coworkers goes as such...

Me: "Say, that's some awful smell, isn't it?"
Them: "Yeah, like sewage."
Me: "Or... like somebody died."
Them (laughing, uncomfortably): "Yeah... I suppose."
Me: "Say... you know... I bet that smell? It's part of a trap."
Them (vaguely bewildered): "What?"
Me: "Set by a beast."
Them: ...
Me: "A creature who wants to lure prey down to investigate the smell. A creature with pincers, and fur."
Them (not liking where this is going one bit): "What?"
Me: "Like... a rat-scorpion."
Them (said because nothing else seems appropriate): What?
Me: "A rat scorpian. A foul rat/scorpian hybrid, possessed of furry body and vicious, scorpion tail. Clearly, it's killed some hapless fool, and lef their body in the basement to attract further victims."
Them (questioning my sanity): "Martin, there's something wrong with you."
Me: "Rat-scorpion. All I'm saying."

This practice has resulted in several following jokes: The rat-scorpion in the basement, Scott Kurtz of the webcomic PVP eats snausages, and that I've been rolling bums in the park to find the one who jingles (and therefore, stole the change out of my car).

Your homework, class... Make a wild conjecture with somebody you know when things seem emminently dull.